I started writing this blog while on the plane home- so FYI - I didn’t know about the computer glitch that caused all of the delays at that time! And I want to thank those of you who left sweet comments on my last blog entry. I feel like flying makes me extra emotional- I think the whole being in one place and then being completely in another (very long distance wise) all within a few hours kind of trips me out a little. But anyway, it makes me feel great to know I have people reading and caring. <3 (And thank YOU for missing me while I was gone, too!)

[Blog started Tuesday night:]

Well, alright then. After an amazing week back in my home town I am now currently stuck on a grounded plane in Charlotte, NC- where I have been since, oh, 6pm? It’s currently 7:49pm and needless to say, I am not amused. If the reason were weather (which IS terrible, by the way- thank you Fay!) or something uncontrollable and out of anyone’s hands- THEN I wouldn’t be so irritated. However, the reason we sat at the gate for over and hour was because someone forgot to come refuel our plane and the pilot couldn’t locate ANYONE to come get it done. AN HOUR, people. It took an hour to do this. And NOW, we are something like 20th in line to take off.. which should take 20 minutes or so, says the flight attendant. She also says that each takeoff takes around 3 minutes. K, 3 minutes and 20 planes- that sounds more like an hour and not 20 minutes to me. Hmm? I’m not the greatest at math though- so I guess I could be wrong. I’m just ready to get home to Nate. Leaving my Mom is always overly emotional and draining and some how it never gets easier.

The week was great though. I got into Tampa on Wednesday night about 7:50PM. My parents were waiting there for me when I got off the tram! I was so happy to see them. It had been 8 months- and that is so hard for me to swallow. I’ve had enough time taken away from me in my life with people I love to know that they aren’t here forever- so eight months of this year away from my Mom just makes me feel horrible. I know she needs me there, and I’m not. But anyway, we had so much fun together. The night I got there they took me to The Cheesecake Factory for a very yummy dinner and a piece of birthday cheesecake- more specifically it was Carrot Cake Cheesecake. UM, hello HEAVEN. We got home super late that night and I walked in my room to find ‘happy birthday’ and ‘welcome home’ balloons waiting for me, as well as presents! So of course I had to stay up and open them! After that I crawled into my bed (finally! MY BED!) and called Nate before falling asleep.

Thursday my Mom and I went to our local mall. I couldn’t wait to go! Haha. I’ve hated that mall my whole life because of how small and boring it is but I really couldn’t wait to go. It’s funny how you just want to go back to everything you left behind, no matter how much you used to think it sucked! We shopped around for a long time just enjoying each other’s company. I bought a pair of white flip flops I’d been needing.

I was going to write about what I did each and every day individually but if you’re my friend HERE on Flickr- you’ve already seen the daily pictures and mini blogs to know what I was up to! I keep a lot of my pictures there private so be sure to add me as a friend! There’s no sense in my typing it there AND here.

Overall, my trip was so perfect- for being so short. I organized a little “girly get together” on Friday night and got to see a lot more friends than I normally do when I go down. Seeing them all at once made it even better! I spent a lot of time with my Mom and a good bit with my Step-Dad (he had to work a lot). My Mom and I talked, shopped, cooked, laughed, watched movies- we accomplished Mother-Daughter activities that should be normal and weekly accomplishments. I played with my kitties (although you’d think I only have ONE since the other hates for her picture to be taken!), held them, talked to them, and told them I am coming back for them. I comforted my friend who’s going through a rough time as much as I could. Just actually getting to be there for her made me feel like I was able to do something- the phone just doesn’t cut it like a physical shoulder to cry on does. I laid on the beach and swam in the pool with my Mom. OH and I shopped a little. (Thanks, Charlotte Russe! I needed new jeans.. but spending money was BAD!) I really packed the activities in there!

It’s so bittersweet being home.. but it’s good.. I know it is. But, I’m becoming more aware of how much my Mom and I really need each other.. and something has to give at some point. I feel like I need to be here for now, but I’ve got a lot of praying to do. I don’t intend to live my life away from the person who gave me life, forever. It’s just not something I’m okay with. It’s just a hard road that Nate and I are on right now, but definitely perfect and livable as long as we have each other. God will take us where we need to be. (After reading my last post, am I BIPOLAR or what?!)

Posted by mobile phone:
How did I end up with this perfect but so completely messed up life. I have everything and more- yet I’m completely torn apart constantly by the fact that I’m never with everyone that I’m supposed to be with. I don’t understand the way things work. Some people get to have it all… and I have to go through this over and over. Is it not enough that God took my Dad from me, but NOW he also gives me the perfect life in one place and makes me choose love or family while most everyone else gets to have both.

I am not angry with God, I just don’t understand. I doubt I will see my parents in October and I don’t know when I will see them again. Another tortureous 8 months like last time? I can’t take it. And I know I am dramatic… but I am crying in an airport feeling completely alone so cut me some slack.

Posted by mobile phone:
For you non-Floridians, it’s a giant bridge in St. Petersburg. Look it up… it’s slightly terrifying… but pretty.

So here I am in the car on my way to Anna Maria Island for dinner with my parents. This trip has been relaxing and fun- with a good mix of geting crazy with friends and spending time with my parents and animals. Thing is, I’m not ready for this to all be over. I’ve been here since Wednesday night and I miss Nate so much it hurts but I just don’t want to leave yet. I just can’t believe this is my last night. I just got here.

Well, I promise I will post a real blog soon .. maybe I could type one up while on the plane tomorrow? Hmm ..we’ll see. I’m just overflowing with thoughts and updates on life and I need to share them!

I know I haven’t blogged in a few days and the last time that I actually did I kind of left people hanging .. but I have to jump ahead and share something that I am so happy about.

First of all, let me clue you in on a couple things before I share this and it makes no sense. My Dad passed away when I was 11 from lung cancer. He was a musician and entertainer- he played clubs, bars, parties, rodeos (yes, rodeos. & I used to sing The National Anthem at them in front of thousands of people - so don’t hate. HAHA.), weddings, and things like that. He was in various country bands- played the drums and keyboards primarily, but he also played a lot of other instruments.

Ok well, when I was about 4 or 5 he made a copy of a cassette tape of him singing at a random restaurant because he was on the road a lot with a band at that time. So, I could listen to it in my tape player anytime I wanted and feel like he was there. I still have this tape and I hadn’t listened to it since I was, oh, maybe 7? I recently bought a cassette tape player (hard to find, by the way! I’m sure my kids wont even know what they are! 8 tracks, anyone? Heh.) and it was like opening a time capsule. I play it all the time, and that got me to thinking - what if something happened to it? I mean, it’s a cassette tape from 1988 so there’s no telling when it will decide to crap out. So I’ve been on a mission to get the tape converted into cd or put on my computer in mp3 format- something! So tonight I got desperate to try something that I didn’t think would work- holding the tape player up to my computer mic and recording it the ghetto fab way. IT WORKED. I’ve got one song recorded and it will take a while to get them all done but it will be worth it.

I’m going to let the world (hahaha- well, my frequent readers) in on my time capsule experience- the feeling that I have my Dad back and he’s singing to me, even if it only feels that way for a second. You might not know this song because it’s older (hey, 1988!). I believe it’s by George Straight. It’s not modern, you’re not going to rock and roll all night to it, and you might not like it- but I’m mesmerized when I hear it. I’m really thinking of creating a domain for my Dad, putting up pictures, and gathering stories from old friends. It kind of .. freaks me out a little .. to google his name and not really come up with anything relevant. I mean- nearly everyone gets something pertaining to themselves when they google their name, you know? I don’t like it. He had friends all over the country from touring and things and I know there are probably still people out there who don’t even know that he’s gone. I hate that. So, there’s another project to add to my list after I get these songs recorded and preserved.

And if you want to listen..

(if you don’t have quicktime, it may not work. unfortunately it’s in m4a format …)

Posted by mobile phone:
Not really. I am at work, but there is currently nothing for me to do - frustrating! I have some exciting things to blog about (things you may already have seen a little about on my 365 or plurk), but I think I will wait to do so when I can type on a keyboard not made for a mouse… hehe. My Palm Centro = love.. but typing for long periods of time is tedious.

I really think I am going to try to bring up working only 4 days a week with my boss. It would make so much more sense to let it build up over one day and have semi-steady work for the rest of the week.

OK. Going to see if I have anythin to do now. PS: does anyone know of any good hair repair treatments? I’m noticing my hair looking more and more fried every day. Sigh - stupid cheapo hair straightener.

Annddd go:

1. go to work- get through the day. CHECK.
2. Be annoyed that I’ll have 6 occurrences at work when I come back from FL- thus putting me on a 30 day probation where I cannot miss or be one minute late. (GREAT, thanks for being upfront with me about that before I like, bought a plane ticket!)
3. Stuff my face because I’ve been eating so much lately it’s ridiculous. CHECK.
4. Purchase gift off of Kalen’s wedding registry. CHECK.
5. Go to Wal-Mart for .77 cent floss and end up with a $31 purchase. CHECK. (all things I needed though- heh!)
6. Upload a few pics from yesterday and take my 365 picture… (RIGHT NOW!)

I’m still trying to fathom this whole idea of me being 21- in a little over a week! Twenty-one! Who? ME!? And not because I will now be able to legally consume alcohol, seeing how I will rarely ever use my new found powers to do so. I just find myself thinking thoughts like, “Wow. My Dad passed away almost half my life ago.” I know, I KNOW- me and my morbid thoughts are here to ruin all happy occasions! But, I always find myself thinking about my Dad during any big celebration in my life. I assume that this is all probably very normal. I’m not even sure what The Big Plans are for my birthday. I know I want to eat at Olive Garden- that’s it. I kind of have this feeling that maybe Billy & Kalen’s wedding will actually be a huge surprise twenty-first birthday party for me.. yeah.. I BET IT IS. Can’t keep anything from Stephanie! I’m super excited about their wedding though. That reminds me, I actually have something I need to do today.. involving a registry!

I also need to make a packing list for my trip home to Florida. Ah. I will have to have everything packed on Tuesday night (the 19th) because I have to work in the morning at 8AM in order to get off at noon.. and then it will be straight home for the bags and off to the airport. It’s going to  be crazy. I hate traveling. Yeah I’m going to go take a shower and not think about it for now…

Well, I’d say 47 out of 100 isn’t so very bad!

Haha, don’t ask me how I came across this, I just did. It’s all part of my secret endeavors to become more (as if I am at all?) internet famous (definition here) - and please make sure to scroll to the bottom when reading the definition because I find it hilarious that the first person to write a definition for “internet famous” used Renee of “sacred.nu” as their example of a weblebrity. (I might want to add that I like Renee’- I don’t find it hilarious in a derogatory way. I realized it might sound that way..)

E-famousness;  all bloggers aim to achieve this no matter what they say. Me? I’m pretty content just being e-fabulous, with my 47 out of 100. FOR NOW.

I love leopard print.. and I found a Mozilla Firefox theme based on it = <3. My computer is all pimped out. YAY! Haha.

But while this is all very exciting, that’s not really what I wanted to say. I just wanted to go ahead and document the DAY that I finally got a significant raise at a job that I actually like! WHA? .. yeah I KNOW, I KNOW.. hard to believe. Plus, Nate and I are saving more money than we ever have so that is a huge help. Do you know what we did tonight? We actually came home from work and instead of going, “Eh.. no frozen pizzas to fix.. let’s go grab some Wendy’s!”- we said, “Let’s MAKE dinner.” OH YEAH, I KNOW. Who ARE WE?! You don’t even know us anymore! We made a yummy dinner consisting of chicken, tatter tots, and stir fry veggies sauteed in vegetable oil and a variety of seasonings. Maybe not the most nutritional dinner, but we enjoyed it, it was yummy, and it cost nothing.

Not long until I’m in Florida! Fun, fun.. just dreading the actual commute! Ok, goodnight. I planned on being in bed a long time ago.

Okay before I delve into the details of my insane day- I want to thank Emily, Pooper (haha), Leanne, Kalen, RG, and Bobbi for the very uplifting comments on my last blog entry! I usually get emails telling me that I have new comments and I check them in the morning on my way to work from my trusty little phone… but for some reason I didn’t get emails about any of these comments and of course I didn’t happen to look at my site for a few days so I didn’t even know that all these things I needed to hear were being said! Anyway, thank you- you all knew exactly what to say. And I know I’m way too young to be worrying about stuff like this and that I am my own person on my very own path with no scheduled list of things to be done- sometimes it’s just easy to feel down on yourself when the world is basically telling you, “FAIL!11″ (in nerd speak.. have to add the ones at the end)

Today is a good day for me to have seen those inspiring words though because I almost came home from work and wrote an even more depressing blog than the last. HAH. My day started out normal and then took a very (angry) tragic turn right before lunch. I was honestly so angry that I could’ve walked out on that job right then and there with no thought on, “I wont have a job now.” I was blindly angry- and it takes a lot for me to not think of the consequences of my actions. Like, I can’t even throw something in a heated moment when I’m angry because I think of it breaking and how horrible it will be when I have to clean it up or .. it’s just broken now. ANYWAY, I’ve been fighting for a pay raise (which you may remember) because when I applied for this job I was told I’d have two weeks of $8 training pay and then I would be put on a piece-rate that would allow me to make between $12-$15 an hour. Sounds fabulous, yes? Well you may also remember if you’ve been reading here that I’ve been there for over 6 months now still on $8. I’ve been getting the run around about it for months, “We’re working on it.” I am a quiet, non-confrontational, patient person on the outside and an erupting volcano on the inside- perfect for someone with heart problems! So I waited, seemingly patiently. Well yesterday I finally got up the nerve to go knock on my boss’s little glass door for the first time since I’ve been there (I am painfully nervous and shy around people who are “over” me!) and squeak out, “Um, do you .. have any idea what pay period my piece-rate will start?” Two weeks ago he told me I would be getting a nice raise soon and that I could come talk to him anytime. So, to my surprise he said, “It started last pay period, so- last Monday. Someone should’ve told you..” Me, I’m all- WHA? OH. No one .. told me.. *holds in GLEE* OKAY. THANKS! THANK YOU! *runs away*

Today- I’m about to clock out for lunch and my supervisor (not the boss guy) calls me over as I’m making my “rounds” picking up mail in my tray from the sorters. “Here are your numbers, for yesterday.” YAY- I get to see how much money I made yesterday on my new pay rate! (you get paid based on how many images(pieces of paper) go through the scanner under your ID # and it’s set at a % times your quality/accuracy times number of hours worked ..yada yada confusing. I really don’t even get it.) So she shows me, tells me to multiply the number of images by this number and that’s how much I made… K.. wait, $26? I worked 7 hours and made TWENTY SIX DOLLARS?! And she was all- “Oh yeah but all the mail may not have gotten scanned.. or something.. so DON’T WORRY.” And I KNEW how much I did and I knew the number was right and I KNEW that this was HORRIBLE. I spent my entire day thinking about how I was going to have to find a new job, and HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO ME? I mean, everyone in that place makes great money so WHY ME???

Well, come to find out she gave me the wrong number to multiply with. That was the old piece-rate. *blank stare* She just kind of ran up, “Oh here are your numbers for last week so you can see how much you made.. OHYEAH.. use this number instead I did that wrong heh.” *wanders off* ME- ??????????? *runs and finds her* WAIT- THIS NUMBER, OR THIS ONE? And she explained that she had the wrong rate and I was all, “OH MY GOD, OK OK .. I feel so much better!” And I should’ve decked her in the face for making me waste all of my emotional energy on absolutely NOTHING.. but I was just too busy praising God to be bothered with that.

I know it’s just money. But dude- I thought I got paid like $3 an hour yesterday as opposed to $8 when I was told I’d be getting a raise and to make it worse she made it seem like it was TRUE when I asked her, “UH is this going to be BAD?” and she said, “I’m not sure yet we’ll have to see.” O_o So, thank goodness I didn’t make an outrageous scene or go running out of the business like a mad woman over NOTHING. All in all, I am making more money than I was.. and hopefully it will continue to increase. I can get this school loan paid off and Nate and I can hopefully have an apartment by November and maybe I can even afford a car payment. We’re currently saving money like we’re broke poor, so it shouldn’t be too out of reach.

Thank you for riding my emotional roller coaster- have a nice day!